


Never go first person

by VexedBeverage



Category: Dungeons & Dragons (Roleplaying Game), Final Fantasy VII, Slash and Burn (Podcast), Super Mario & Related Fandoms, Tomb Raider (Video Game)
Genre: AU, Blow Job, College AU, F/M, I am a terrible person, I have no idea why I am so proud of this, Incest, M/M, Multi, Other, RPF, Spitroast, crack fic??
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-02
Updated: 2017-10-02
Packaged: 2019-01-08 07:32:13
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12249840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VexedBeverage/pseuds/VexedBeverage
Summary: Written as part of the (kind of) celebration of the (sorta) 2 (or more ish) year anniversary of the Slash and Burn podcast.This follows on from Lycanthrope's fic - Finding Johnlock and makes a lot more sense if you read that first.If you are here because of my other work then I would advise that you either walk away quickly in the other direction or alternatively go and listen to a bunch of Slash and Burn pod content and then come on back.Story read out by the hosts of the podcast in episode 52





	Never go first person

Kera lunged forwards, her hands clamping down on Steve's arm as he tried to turn away to break her hold. 

“Stop being a dick and give it!” Kera practically growled through gritted teeth, slapping at the device on Steve's wrist. 

“You’re going to break it!” Steve complained, struggling with the woman. 

With a huge wrench of his arm, Steve broke out of Kera’s grasp. “I am sick to death of looking at vents and servos. I’m done with transfluid and overloading and all the valves and cable play! We’ve been here for weeks. I want proper, actual, real people parts!” Kera protested. 

Steve raised his eyebrows. “You want Johnlock.” 

Kera pouted. “Not necessarily.” 

Steve sighed as Kera continued to stare at him with pleading in her eyes. Holding his arm out, he offered it to the woman next to him. 

Kera took the offered appendage, looping her arm through his as Steve pushed some buttons on the device and they disappeared with an inaudible shimmer. 

\-----

They blinked into existence in what would once have been a lavish bedroom. 

It reminded Steve of a castle, bare stone walls with a large unlit fireplace dominating one corner. The floor was also stone, but covered in part by a thread bare red circle of carpet that would have once been considered grand. Tattered tapestries covered sections of the wall either side of the large, solid wood door. 

A section of ceiling had fell in, and through the hole the two companions could see a blue sky littered with white clouds. 

Steve grabbed Kera’s arm and pulled her behind a large section of the collapsed roof as the door started to creak open.

“Is that Lara Croft?” Kera whispered to Steve. 

Steve nodded and watched as the woman in question entered the room and closed the door behind her. 

“Where is it?” Lara muttered to herself, stepping around the room with careful footsteps. 

A section of stone shifted as Lara’s boot came to rest on it. 

Stooping down, Lara took a knife out of the sheath at her thigh and used it to pry a loose section of the floor away. An awed intake of breath indicated she must have found whatever it was she was looking for.

With careful movements, Lara reached inside the gap under the stone she had moved and pulled out an item wrapped in gold and silver cloth. 

Stepping back, she sat down on the edge of the somehow perfectly preserved bed and pulled away the cloth. 

Lara gasped as she looked down. A long golden shaft rested in her lap, the sides encrusted with various coloured jewels that cast rainbows on the walls when she held it up to the light. 

“The legendary dildo of babylon.” She announced. “I have searched for so many years. One of the seven wonders of the ancient sex dungeon of Alexandria.” She paused to stroke at the shaft with a shaky finger. “It is said to grant eternal satiation to whoever can withstand its orgasms.” 

Kera threw Steve a look that screamed ‘really?!’ Steve just smiled at her before turning back to watch the show unfold. 

\-----

Once Lara had finished and cleared out of the room, Kera and Steve stood from their hiding place. 

“Why did you bring us here?” Kera asked. “I know I said no transformers but I was at least expecting some Supernatural or something.” 

Steve looked down at his wrist. “I set it to Dr Who.” 

“This is not-” Steve silenced Kera with a look.

“You must have broken it when you attacked me.” He said.

Kera held a finger up to Steve. “Firstly-” She started. “-I did not attack you. Secondly, you are the one who refuses to let me have a turn on the fic jumper. And thirdly, get us the hell out of here. I do not need to be looking at the puddle that woman left on that bed.” 

In reply, Steve simply pushed a few buttons and they shimmered out to a new fic. 

\-----

“Si! Take it! Take it all Princess!” 

Kera hid behind a large green pipe, Steve at her side. 

“Si! I am going to empty my love sewage into your u-bend.” 

The scene before the two friends would have been funny has it not been ruining so many childhoods. 

Princess Peach was bent over a rock, her dress pulled up over her hips as Mario pounded into her from behind. The princess didn’t complain with words, instead only able to moan around the second man’s cock in her mouth. 

“That’s it Mario, Si!” The man in green praised. “Harder, make her swallow my meat spanner!” 

Kera turned to Steve, horror on her face. “Aren’t they brothers?” 

Steve groaned, sounding almost like he was in pain and closed his eyes, trying to unsee what he had witnessed. It unfortunately did nothing to stop the sounds.

Peach moaned again as the two men took her from both ends, Mario slapping at her reddening ass cheeks and making loud grunting noises as his brother egged him on with words. 

“We need to get out of here!” Kera pleaded. “I cannot stay here and neither can you.” 

Steve nodded frantically, slapping at the object on his wrist with his eyes still closed and the echoing moans of Princess Peach still ringing in his ears. 

\-----

Kera turned to Steve, eyebrows raised in question at what was in front of them. 

Steve slowly raised his right hand from his side and put a finger to his lips, preemptively silencing his companion, all the while his eyes were stuck on the two figures. 

Kera rolled her eyes and crossed her arms, letting out a huff of air to show her exasperation.

The figures were ugly. Something along the lines of a terrible doctor who monster in Kera’s opinion. They were tall and imposing with purple, leathery skin. Small eyes under a heavy brow. Their hands had four fingers that tapered off to sharp black nails at the ends and they wore what seemed to be black robes topped by metal shoulderplates and large gaping collars on their cloaks that reminded Kera of emperor Zorg from Toy Story. 

Kera shuddered. Toy Story world was not somewhere she really wanted to be thinking about in that moment (Or any moment really, what she had seen there had scarred her for life), especially not when the creature on the left stirred. At the front of its face, where its nose and mouth should have been there was none. Unless they were hidden by the tentacle like appendages that sprouted from the middle of the face, anyway. 

The one of the left was slightly paler and shorter than the one on the right, who had started swaying a little. Kera looked around but there was nothing else to look at, unless you had a hard on for rocks. Kera snorted at her own imagination that spat the image of ‘The thing’ from the fantastic four and Dwayne ‘the rock’ Johnson furiously going at it. 

“Shh.” Steve hissed, his voice lowered. 

Kera looked from Steve to the two creatures and back again. Apart from the slight swaying and gentle movements of their face tentacles, they were still and silent, eyes locked on each other. “This is boring, what are we even watching?” Kera hissed back. 

Steve still kept his eyes on the creatures as he whispered back. “It’s not boring. It’s beautiful.” 

Kera balked and let out an undignified snort of derision. “Are we looking at the same thing?”

Steve’s eyes widened slightly and a grin overcame his features as the two creatures seemed to slowly tense up. 

The one of the left stood taller, it’s body straightening from it’s more relaxed position like a sunflower reaching for the sky, until its spine was ramrod straight. The creature's chest started to heave as if it was breathing rapidly but still it was completely silent. 

Steve once again held a hand up to Kera, knowing that she was about to ask some question or another without even looking at her. 

The creature on the right stirred, moving its weight from one foot to the other, its body similarly straightening as the other’s had until they both seemed to deflate and relax once more. Turning on their heels, they walked off in two different directions. 

“What the hell was that?” Kera asked.

Steve threw an arm around her shoulder. “That, my dear Kera, was two mindflayers having the hottest sex of all time.” 

\-----

Another bedroom. This time lighter and with more furniture reminiscent of someone's current abode. 

Kera inspected the room, trying to find clues as to where they now found themselves. “Looks like some kind of college dorm room or something.” She commented to Steve who was examining a small book shelf. 

“Magic school?” He hypothesised, looking over the titles of the books. 

Kera moved towards the large wardrobe and pulled it open to reveal a rack of black clothes that had way too many belts and buckles to not be some kind of steampunk. 

Steve’s eyes were not drawn to the clothes but to the poster stuck to the wall next to the wardrobe showing what should have been a periodic table of elements but included a section for ‘summons’ that was alien to the real world. 

“Table of Meteria.” Kera read off the title and it suddenly made sense to Steve. 

The doorknob rattled and the two friends jumped inside the wardrobe and pulled the doors shut, peeping out of the misaligned slats to see who had entered the room. 

The first man was tall, with blonde/grey hair that stood up in all directions defying gravity in its composition. The second man was more of a yellow blonde, his hair slicked back and held away from his face by a set of goggles pushed high on his forehead. His smile was almost predatory as he pushed the first man gainst the closed bedroom door. 

“I think we’re in some kind of college au for Final Fantasy vii.” Steve informed Kera in a whisper. “That’s Cloud and Cid.” 

Kera hummed in agreement. “They look so different when they're not all pixelated to fuck.” 

Steve snorted at her. 

Cloud let out a shuddering breath as Cid trailed a cold hand over his bare torso as soon as he stripped off his shirt, pulling at Cid’s belt buckle to loosen it and nipping at the other man’s neck with gentle bites that had Cid panting out expletives.

“Fuck, I missed you.” Cid growled, pushing Cloud against the door and attacking his neck, grinding his hips into Cloud’s once he had pulled his belt free and threw it to the floor.

Cid let his trousers fall to the floor, kicking them off his feet as he pressed as much skin as possible against Cloud, bringing their mouths together in a messy kiss.

Cloud moaned into Cid’s mouth as the taller man ran a hand down his ribs and palmed at the bulge in his jeans, bucking his hips into the touch to apply more pressure.

Cid fumbled with the button of Cloud’s jeans, pushing back against Cloud as he tried to step forwards from the door. Tilting Cloud’s head to the side by nudging at his neck with his nose, Cid trailed open mouthed kisses from Cloud’s shoulder to his ear. Taking the soft skin of Cloud’s earlobe in his teeth, he sucked a purple mark onto the skin as his thumbs hooked under the other man's jeans and boxers.

With one last kiss to Cloud’s lips, Cid sank to his knees on the carpet, dragging Cloud’s jeans and boxers down with him to pool at Cloud’s ankles.

The two men's eyes locked as Cid’s hands ran scorching trails up his thighs, skirting passed his arousal to push Cloud’s hips so he was pressed against the hard smoothness of the door behind him.

Cloud swallowed a gasp as Cid took him in his hand, his head falling back to rest against the door with a quiet ‘thud’.

“Come on beautiful, make some noise for me.” Cid directed as he slowly pumped his hand, drawing a long moan from Cloud that made Cid smirk up at him.

Cloud gripped the door handle, knuckles turning white as Cid worked him, kneeling up to press his lips against Cloud’s thighs and hips.

“Fuck, Cid.” Cloud groaned, trying to thrust his hips forward but being restrained by the other man who pressed his forearm against his thighs and dragged the flat of his tongue from base to tip of his length.

Cloud shuddered against the door, his head falling forward to watch Cid take him into his mouth, Cid’s eyes flicking up to meet Cloud’s in a look that almost undid the spiky haired man. “Holy shit, Cid!”

Cid resisted the urge to smirk around his full mouth and instead inched himself forwards, taking Cloud’ full length, before drawing back and hollowing his cheeks to suck.

Cid sat back on his haunches, still stroking Cloud with one hand as he entwined the fingers of his free hand with one of Cloud’s.

Cid waited until Cloud looked down at him. “I love you.” Cid breathed against him, the coolness of his breath against his wet shaft causing his breath to hitch as he moaned back an ‘I love you too’.  
Smirking, Cid closed the gap again, taking the tip of Cloud into his mouth as his hand still worked in a steadily increasing pace.

All rational thought left Cloud’s brain as Cid swirled his tongue around him, unable to control himself anymore with the absence of Cid’s arm to hold him back, he started bucking his hips forward, matching the rhythm of Cid’s hand as his mouth spilled out nonsensical strings of words that had Cid humming around him.

There wasn’t much warning when Cloud came, a broken shout of ‘Cid!’ falling from his lips as his legs started to shake.

Cid pulled back and swallowed, pushing himself to his feet and resting his forehead against Cloud’s as the spiky haired man tried to get his breathing under control and fought to keep his legs from collapsing beneath him.

“Red will be waiting for us.” Cid said, helping Cloud back into his jeans and opening the door to leave once they were both decent. 

\----

Steve stepped out of the wardrobe. “Well- that was something.” 

“Yeah.” Kera agreed.

“And not even any fluids.” Steve continued. “Swallowed it all down so you didn’t have to see it.” 

“Uh huh.” Kera agreed. “Can we please get out of here now?” 

Steve rolled his eyes at her and looked down at the device on his arm. “Give me a few minutes and I should be able to re-calibrate so that we can actually go where we mean to again.” 

“Fantastic.” Kera replied, walking over to the bed and flopping onto it, burying her face in the pillows as she waited for Steve to finish tinkering. 

It only took a few minutes, Steve proclaiming it was ready and Kera jumped up from the bed to grasp at his arm in preparation to leave. “You need to promise not to break it again.” Steve scolded with a serious look. 

“How about I promise not to break your face after that comment instead?” 

Steve snorted and clicked some buttons on the transporter. 

\-----

“Shit, shit, shit, shit.” Steve chanted. 

Panic started to spread through Kera as she noticed that although she could hear Steve speaking, his lips didn’t move. 

“I can’t move.” Steve’s voice in Kera’s head shouted in alarm. “Why am I looking at myself and why do I have no control?” 

To Kera, it felt like her heart should have been racing and her breathing should have been short and sharp to match the realisation that was spreading through her, but it wasn’t. 

Only once had the two friends made this mistake before. 

‘My Immortal’ was not something either of them ever mentioned. It had been uncomfortable and downright terrifying to both be stuck in the same body. It was why they never travelled to first person fics. 

“At least we made it out of the game tags.” Steve commented, trying for some small semblance of positivity. 

“Steve.” Kera said gently, trying to comfort both herself and Steve from what she was about to say. “I think this is a Slash and Burn fic.” She paused. “In first person.” She added in what was almost a whisper. 

Kera could have sworn that she could feel Steve’s eyes widening in the tone of his choked ‘no’. 

The body Kera and Steve were both inhabiting looked down and Kera had the weird sensation of looking down at her own body but dressed in something black, shiny and skin tight. 

“Kera…?” Steve asked, reluctance obvious in his tone. “Why do you have a whip?” 

The body smiled and Kera somehow shuddered in her own head as the body spoke with her voice, lowered an octave or two in what she supposed was meant to be a sexy rasp. “You’ve been a very bad boy, Steve. It’s time for your punishment.” The body paused in its steps towards the man who sank to his knees before her. “If you’re a good little puppy and do everything I tell you to, I may reward you.” 

“Yes mistress.” Slave Steve whimpered. “Anything for you mistress.” 

Dominatrix Kera nodded in approval. “In that case, you may cover me in your ropey sex juice before you lick it off.” 

Steve wasn’t sure if it was himself or Kera, both inside the dominatrix, that screamed louder.


End file.
